where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
