I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
