Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
