Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
