yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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