New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
