Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm passing your future prison.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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