YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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