she woke up with a sticky ear
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize