tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
