Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
