My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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