even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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