If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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