i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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