New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
