I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
