I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize