i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
