Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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