I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
this beer tastes like vomit already
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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