A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
