I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
