you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
