girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I understand Curling. That high.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
