Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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