Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
