You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
