Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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