Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
