I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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