My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
