I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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