Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
