Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
