Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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