I'm pants shitting drunk right now
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
