I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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