i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
