He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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