Can i not drive my cunt home
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
