quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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