Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Congratulations! We have a period
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