Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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