Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
