proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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