Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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