Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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