i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
