isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
