Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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