You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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