You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
