I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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