hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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