i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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