he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
