I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
